Jim, could you come in here, please?
Hi, Jim.
Hello.
I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
- Sorry! - Zing!
That's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Yeah, you can.
You know what? Get Pam.
For this?
Pam!
Pam, you look very hot today.
Pam, it's Harvey.
This is Michael's new friend.
Great.
Me so horny.
Me love you long tim.
That is gross!
Who's Long Tim?
Long time. Me lobe you long time.
Well, you should bring Long Tim in one day.
No
I'd love to meet Long Tim. Yeah, right?
You ruined a funny joke.
Get out of my offfive.
Okay, bye Harvey.
Boobs!
Script & Syncronization: EasyL (http://theoffice.tistory.com/)
The Office 3x13 "Traveling Salesmen" Original Air Date: Jan 11, 2007 (NBC)
- Angela - What?
There was a voicemail that corporate left last night.
They did not get our tax forms.
Did you send them?
They arrived this morning.
Are you sure?
It is a big deal...
Is it a big deal?
Is it, Kevin?
Do you really not know?
Because it is a big deal.
Five of us transferred from Stamford.
There's two of us left.
Me, and Karen.
It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
and dropping off one by one.
Well, guess what.
I¡®m not falling in a chocolate river.
Everything okay?
It's fine.
You're in the clear.
Thank you.
I don't- I don't want those.
Dwight,
Care to join us finally.
Thank you.
Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce.
Get it, Michael?
Okay, here is the dream team.
My sales dream team.
Today we're going to team up our sales calls.
Andy, since it was your idea,
you get to pick first.
Hmm- well- let me think about this for a minute.
Oh, I don't know.
Michael Scott.
PhD. Doctor of sales.
Well, I appreciate that.
That's very gracious of you.
Well, it's very gracious of you to accept.
Thank you, though.
Okay, now going by seniority,
Phyllis, our resident senior.
We're the same age.
And, I'll pick Karen.
Oh- Ah- thanks.
Good. Next up,
The Super Fly himself, Stanley.
Pass.
You can't pass,
You gotta pick somebody.
I'll take the kid.
I'm very flattered.
I was his second choice, after "pass".
So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Okay, wait. Does anyone wanna trade?
Yeah, I'll trade.
Dwight and I used to go sales calls all the times.
In fact, I have a picture to remember that time.
Oh, young Jim.
I was just... so much...
I need to warn you about,
and yet,
tragically,
I cannot.
Sebring, by Chrysler.
A heck of a motor carriage.
Dwight, here you go!
You want shirts on hangers?
What do you use...
Does he do your laundry?
Long story.
Alright everybody, circle up.
Here we go!
You know what this is?
This is the Amazing Race.
And, you guys are the retired marines.
And, you guys are the mother and daughter.
And, you guys are the gay couple.
And, we are the fire fighter heroes.
Are you ready to go?
Wait, Amazing Race, like the biggest sales win?
No, we're just gonna rush out,
do the sales things, and come back.
Is there a prize?
Just bragging rights.
Then, how is this amazing race?
It's... just...
It's Amazing Race, Phyllis, okay?
We are teams of two, and we are on a mission.
Alright, so on your market, set go!
- Let's do it! - Come on!
Michael
- Vamanos! - Bueno!
Do you have a pole?
Let's go get a broom.
Seriously, you're gonna sit in the back?
Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of a car.
In the event of a crash,
the driver always protects his side first.
Here we go!
In order to take down Dwight,
I have to chip away at his ally:
In this case, it's Michael.
Here's the good news.
every success I've ever had,
at my job or with "the lady-folk,"
Has come from my ability to slowly, and painfully,
wear someone down.
What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
That's a long story.
Couple months ago,
Dwight tried to go my behind back with Jan,
And, get my job.
And, now I am having him do my laundry as a punishment.
Wow, that is a long story,
but quite well told, Michael.
I find it very interesting.
Especially the part about Dwight going behind your back
and basically being like a terrible person.
You know if you want you laundry done right,
I used to work at Abercrombie,
So... pretty good folder.
Why are we turning in here?
This is beauty salon.
Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one?
And then, you can critic me after?
You want the lead?
Yeah, if you don't mind.
Mind?
Nothing would delight me more!
Hey, Pam.
Would you like to go with me and grab a coffee?
Really?
Yeah.
I thought you could use some fresh air.
It might be fun.
Okay, sure.
Okay.
Leave the keys.
You still do that thing?
Leave the keys.
I think that you have the symbol of the amazing team in Scranton.
It's really a pleasure to be the part of it.
It's like everyone has their own special skills,
You know, just like the Super friends.
Except for Dwight.
He is kind more of a super dud.
I mean, he'd be a super friend,
if there was a Super Friends
who has super power was always being late.
You know.
Hawkman.
My plan is talking longer than I thought.
But, I don't give up easily.
I have walked two marathons, so...
Let's go.
The men's room was disgusting.
Thank you, sir.
No thank you.
I've never let anyone walk behind me.
7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear.
Okay, but that still leaves a 30 percent chance
that I'll attack you from the front.
Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop.
I can always block the blow.
Or I can counter it with?
Hey, did you catch that upon lake Wallenpaupack?
Yeah
You know I used to go up there all the time with my step dad,
And I never caught anything like that big.
I caught an 80-pound shark off Montauk.
It's in Hamtons.
My dad's got a 42-foot Bayliner.
Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest.
I also shot a dear once.
You know what, let's get it right down to it.
Dunder-Mifflin,
may be just two rooms and a warehouse
But what we lack in flash,
we will make up for- with hard work, and decency.
Okay, this is the classic undersell.
Because, you should know we don't work out of a log cabin.
We trade on the New York Stock Exchange.
Ever heard of it?
It's in New York.
Um- I have to say I'm little aware of
get involve with a big company.
We've had some problems in the past.
And, I think what Andy is trying to express
is that while we have the resources of a large company,
We will give you the care and attention of small company.
- That is like poetry - No
- I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. - Stop it, stop it.
Oh man, talk about your classic lame-dash-o.
Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Yes.
Angela, you seem so happy.
I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
This friend of mine?
let's call her, Noelle.
She missed this deadline
turning something in to corporate in New York.
But then this gallant gentleman?
We'll call him Kurt.
he drove all the way to New York
and handed it in for her!
Because? I don't know?
I guess he just really likes her a lot.
Well, that's great.
Yes, it is.
Hello!
I'm- I'm so sorry, man.
I really screwed that up.
- Really- - No, don't worry about it.
I really Schruted it.
What?
Schruted it.
This is the thing that people say in your office all the time.
Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way,
You Schruted it.
I don't know where the word comes from, though.
I think it comes from Dwight Schrute.
I don't know.
Who knows how words are formed?
- That's a big order. Thanks Kenny. - Thank you.
Hey, how's Annie.
Oh, she's great.
This is us last year in Bermuda.
Lovely place.
You've ever been Bermuda?
Stanley hudson!
Hi Julius, how's going?
Great, great, great.
Stanley, so good to see you, too.
I'd like you fellows to meet Ryan Howard.
Hi
I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you,
While I do my crossword puzzles.
Ryan.
Um...
Hi
Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled, and ultra premium laser.
Okay, Okay.
Can I use your phone?
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Let me talk to you about few other things that we can offer.
Mainly, we know the tax season is coming up,
So, by April first we can have you
- fully stocked. - One
Discount prices on ink cartridges.
Three
- And, also any forms you're gonna need, - Seven
We can custom make'em.
And you just said,
"Hi. Hi. Hi."
You sounded like
my niece.
And she's six months old!
I appreciate what you guy's were saying,
But it makes more physical sense to go one of the big guys.
Sure That's true
We can't compete with their prices.
But, let me ask you something.
How importantly do you consider customer service?
Very.
Please keep holding.
Your call is very important to us.
That's one of the big guys.
But, on hold this whole time.
And, this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Dunder Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Hi Kelly, this is Jim.
Oh my god, Jim, how are you?
I wanted to tell you...
Here's my card.
It's got my cell number,
my pager number, my home number,
and my other pager number.
I never take vacations,
I never get sick,
and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Alright.
I get it.
We got our deal.
Thanks, that was fun.
Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you.
You're a very nice person.
Thank you.
And I'm so glad you're with Jim.
He was hung up on Pam for such a long time...
I didn't think he'd ever get over her.
That's nice.
You can pay me back later for the makeover.
- Hey boss, got a minute? - Yes, Andy
I forget why did Dwight say he was late for this morning.
He didn't say.
That's weird.
Because, I was just passing the desk,
and I saw this.
Which is a tool-booth receipt from New York city.
Stamped early this morning.
Why would Dwight go New York without telling anyone?
You think he went to see Jan?
That's not like him.
Isn't?
Someone told me a story about this,
with, like laundry and betrayal.
Did you betray Dwight
and try to steal his job or something?
No.
you are remembering it wrong.
Dwight betrayed me once before.
So, this is his strike two.
You know what they say?
Fool me once,
strike one.
But fool me twice...
strike three.
I like Karen.
She's pretty.
Appears intelligent.
Well, I like pretty women
who have the appearance of intelligence.
My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart.
She could be a model.
Or a college professor.
Which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
We should go on a double date.
No thank you.
Dwight's name is on the security sigh sheet.
But, I don't know who he met with.
And where it asks you to state your business,
he wrote, "Beeswax Not Yours, Inc."
I know it.
Ooooh, doggy.
Hey, you wanna grab a coffee?
Sure
Look at you.
Hey, we made the sale!
Where were you this morning?
I overslept.
Damn rooster didn't crow.
Why do you lie, liar?
I'm not a liar.
You are lying right now.
Sure seems like he's lying.
Stay out of this, you...
I know that you went to corporate this morning.
And, I know that you lied about it.
And, given our history,
I need you to tell me, right now.
Exactly what you were doing this morning.
Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there.
But, you have to trust me.
I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Okay, you know what?
I want you to think about your future at this company.
I want you to think about it long and hard.
That's what she said.
Don't you dare.
I want to know what you were doing this morning
by the end of the day.
It's gonna be okay.
How is it going to be okay, Dwight?
Everyone will know our business.
That's not the worst thing in the world.
I'll just stand up in front of the office
and reveal our true love.
It won't be that bad.
Look at Kelly and Ryan.
I hate those two people
more than anything in the entire world.
Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
So, let me ask you a question.
Okay.
Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Pam?
Did I ever have a thing for her?
No...
Why, did she say something?
I moved here from Connecticut...
Yeah?
okay, here's the...
I... had a crush on her
before I left,
and I told her about it,
and she didn't feel the same way.
So it didn't amount to anything,
and I left.
I'm really glad you're here.
Okay?
Okay.
May I have your attention, please?
It will only take a moment of your time.
Although, I've loved this company
more than almost anything in the world,
I decided to step down from my post
and spend more time with my family.
I do not fear the unknown.
I will meet my new challenges head on,
and I will succeed,
and I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.
It's been a pleasure working with some of you,
and I will not forget those of you soon.
But remember...
while today it is me,
we all shall fall.
In other words, I'm quitting.
Oompa loompa, doompadee dossum,
Dwight is now gone,
which is totally awesome.
Why was he gone,
he was such a nice guy.
No, he was not,
he was a total douche.
Doompadee doom.
I would like to give the rest of my belongings
... to Michael Scott.
Just a second.
Except this.
- Good luck - ... and this.
Dwight will be missed.
Not by me ... so much,
but he will be missed.
Dwight?
From sales?
Was one of the most honorable and efficient employees
this company has ever had.
One of my life goals was to die right here,
in my desk chair.
And today,
that dream was shattered.
What happened on your sales call?
Am I happy about the way things turned out?
Well, happy's such an ugly word.
But- um-
I saw it needed to be done,
and I did it.
And, now I'm thrilled.
So, it's pretty...
hello?
Pretty good.